Wednesday, 29 August 2012

We Are All Chthonic

Virgin Media's London Underground WiFi has arrived at last!*

Now you can "Keep up with the world above ground even when you're Underground."

What this really means is that, prior to the completion of his plans for Virgin's commercial space travel, deep sea adventures, and whatever other why-not business ideas, Richard "Swimming with dolphins is always high up on wishlists of things to do before you die" Branson has opened communication channels between us and the dead. Persephone is delighted to report that the fast-approaching Winter of 2012 is sure to be an unprecedentedly happy one.

"Hanging out in Hades half the year is shit," she states, twirling a wiry strand of shimmering pure gold hair around her finger. "I've spent, like, too many millenia unable to talk with my mum during the holidays 'cause there was no phone or internet connection in the Underground. Now we'll be able to chat and Skype and share photos on Facebook anytime I feel lonely or bored. This will be The Best Christmas Ever!"

Thanks to the new deal between Virgin and TfL, whenever Demeter steps onto the platform of a designated WiFi Tube station, she'll be able to connect with her daughter and experience momentary bursts of happiness that, to the rest of us, will be experienced as small floral farts, reminding us of the springtime that will eventually occur when Persephone returns in the new year.

There have been some safety concerns regarding the implementation of this new hi-tech system, however. In response to speculation that distracted passengers may be less likely to mind the gap, and more likely to not stand behind the yellow line as trains approach, Branson throws back his brittle mane of hair and chuckles.

"I don't see any problem whatsoever. Our super-fast Underground WiFi service lets you update your status even after you've been lacerated and burnt to a crisp on the third rail. You're not really dead, you're just taking a little trip away from the land of the living. Go on, make your Facebook Friends jealous."

The service is provided free for everyone until the end of the Olympics. After that, users will have to pay.            


*This has nothing to do with my concerns over the ever-increasing saturation of my surroundings by radiation-emitting wireless devices.